


For all the air that’s in your lungs

by blasphemypilots



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: 1-5k, Bisexual Josh Dun, Canon, Early Days, Gen, Happy Ending, Highways at nights, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions about suicide, No romantic affection, Panic Attacks, Real Life, The teen and up rating is just because of the suicide mentions, Van Days, but nothing is graphic I promise, deep talks, mentions about alcohol, mentions about drugs, missing out, paramore references, regretting choices, teenage years, “good Christian tyler”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-06 21:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20297995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blasphemypilots/pseuds/blasphemypilots
Summary: Josh lived his teenage life to the fullest. Tyler didn’t. It all comes crashing down one night to Tyler.





	For all the air that’s in your lungs

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies in advance for my shitty english and horrible grammar smh

It’s 2 am, and they’re the only ones on the whole highway, rushing towards the next stop of their tiny tour. The old, rusty van shakes and sounds, but it’s nothing unusual to them. This is routine, this is what they’re used to do. One of them is driving, and the other ones asleep, trying to get as much rest as possible out of the short nights on the road. As Josh is driving, Tyler sits in the passenger seat supposed to be asleep, but instead restlessly scrolls through his Instagram feed. Josh, who’s wearing headphones and tapping out the beat of the song on the steering wheel, glances over at Tyler and casts him a meaningful look, that says something in the lines of “you really should sleep now, it’s a long day tomorrow”, but Tyler doesn’t seem to notice. Instead had he stopped scrolling and stared at one particular post. Josh glanced down at Tyler’s phone to see what he was looking at, and quickly realized that it was a throwback picture posted by Mark, with Mark himself, Josh and some other of their friends. It must have been from when they were seventeen, based on their outfits, the bad quality of the photo, and, of course, the cheap booze they always used to buy surrounding them. Plastic glasses and bottles were scattered everywhere, and they all grinned stupidly into the camera, everyone posing with peace signs or middle fingers. The picture brought back warm feelings to Josh, and he smiled as he remembered how fun they’ve had together as dumb teenagers. He let the joyful feeling sink in, and continued tapping the beat on the wheel for awhile, until he realized how stiff Tyler had become. Slowly did he take of his headphones, and watched Tyler carefully. Tyler sat completely still, lost in the picture.  
“Hey ty, you okay?”  
Tyler snapped back to reality, and quickly answered:  
“Yeah man, I’m good! I’m just, tired! All good!” The upbeat, almost forced answer didn’t match his facial expression at all. Josh frowned as Tyler turned his head down again and continued to stare at the picture.  
“Are you sure? Maybe you should try to get some sleep, would you like to listen to something?”  
“Nah, just keep it quiet like this, I prefer it this way.”  
Josh didn’t feel the need to answer to that, so he put on his headphones again and turned his focus back to the music and the road. 

The next night did Josh find himself in the same situation as the night before, with him driving and listening to music, while Tyler aimlessly scrolled through his feeds. This night though, Tyler seemed frankly more uneasy when he stopped at a new pic Mark had posted, containing of Josh and some of his other friends sharing a joint together by a campfire. He stared at the picture with a puzzled look, before glancing over at Josh. Josh answered with a quick, questioning look back, and turned his attention back to the road.  
“Josh?”  
“Yeah?” He took of his headphones and answered softly.  
“Does it feel good to be high?”  
The oh so unexpected question leaving Tyler’s lips made him lose control for a quick moment, and he had to grip the steering wheel hard to straighten up the car again.  
“What? Jesus Christ dude, what made you think of that now? We’ve never talked about it before!”  
Tyler flinched a little, bit continued.  
“Just, y’know, I’ve never been high and it looks so… I don’t know, relaxed maybe? And, I just, I can’t stop thinking about all the things I’ve missed?”  
“What do you mean by missed? You’ve done so much and have come so far Tyler!”  
Tyler sighed and turned his attention to the window while muttering out an answer.  
“Yeahiknowbutijustfeelthativemissedoutonsomuchand…”  
“Woah man, I didn’t catch a single word of that, just, take a deep breath and try again?”  
Tyler did, and went on.  
“Okay, so you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do as a teenager, and I’ve done none of that, like literally nothing Josh, and I just realized that I’ll never be able to get those years back and to live my teenage life to the fullest. I haven’t even lived those years, I’ve just made it through them, and it’s… it just feels so wrong that I’ve wasted so much time. Like, I wasn’t even sure I’d make it to my twenties, but even though I’m here now does it feel like I’ve missed out on a crucial part of my existence, and I’m mad at myself for doing so, letting all this time slip through my fingers without any consciousness of what I’m actually doing, and I’m, I don’t know Josh, I just wish I’d done everything different.”  
The heavy silence that fell over them when Tyler finished swallowed them both whole. Josh heard how Tyler tried to catch his breath and started to hyperventilate, so he quickly pulled over, turned on the warning blinkers and turned his full, undivided attention to the panicking boy next to him.  
“Tyler, hey man, look at me? Could you do that?”  
Josh reached out and took Tyler’s trembling hand in his, and raised the other one to turn Tyler’s head towards him, and gently wipe his tears.  
“Hey, I need you to breathe with me, okay?”  
Tyler nodded and tried to take control of his breathing again, shaky exhales leaving him as the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. They sat like that for awhile, just breathing together, both completely lost in thought.  
“Is it the pictures Mark posted that made you think of this?” Josh suggested in a calm voice.  
“Um, yeah, y’know, you’ve been drunk or high for so many times, have had both girlfriends and boyfriends, have done stupid illegal shit and have made so many memories, and what have I’ve done? Gone to church, played basketball which I don't even like and laid down for days in my bed being so depressed that I couldn’t even bother to eat? Wow, I’ve done so much cool stuff, I’m glad I got all that experience as a teenager!” His voice was dripping of sarcasm as he carried on. “And do you wanna know the worst part? It’s not even that I’ve missed out on all these things, it’s that I never felt myself worthy enough to live like that. Worthy enough to live at all. Do you know how many nights, when everyone else were out getting drunk or something, I spent sitting on my bathroom floor, thinking this is it, I’m doing it for real this time, it would just spare everyone the pain. How many nights when my friends probably were out there, living and brightening up our whole city with their laughter and living, while everything was getting darker and darker for me. It’s just that after everything I’ve been through, I’m still standing here, and I’m forever happy that I decided to do so, I’ve met you and this band literally saved me, but I still feel like I should’ve done so many things different. And, I don’t know, that’s just some things I’ve been thinking about lately…” Tyler trailed off, and stared out at the still nature surrounding them. The silence fell over them once again, as Josh needed to take in everything Tyler had said and process it, and Tyler felt an instant regret about opening up a wound that never really healed.  
“Woah, Tyler, I didn’t know any of that. I need you to understand that you made the right choice back then, I can’t imagine a world without you in it. That no matter of the other things you did or didn’t, the only choice that mattered was that one, and you chose to stay alive, for all the things that you’re alive to feel. I can’t give you those years back, nor can’t I help you with changing your choices back then, but I’ll give you this promise; that no matter what, I’m always here to make your future, our future, as bright and full of life as possible.”  
Josh stopped and let his words sink in to Tyler. He watched how Tyler went over his words once, twice, and trembled before answering:  
“Our future. Bright. Life. Yeah. For all the joy that is to come.”

**Author's Note:**

> soo, what do ya think? it’s my first fic, so comments and kudos would be highly appreciated!!!
> 
> This was kind of a vent fic i guess, but like i’m a swedish 16 year old girl what do i know
> 
> u could always hit me up on my tumblr   
[Blasphemypilots](http://blasphemypilots.tumblr.com/) if you’ve got any thoughts, comments or just want to talk! thank you for reading!!<3333


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